SHOWING UP

Cycles are a constant mechanism of this realm we inhabit. We feel and live in these cycles, even if we don’t always understand the maps of time-space that help us navigate them. And there are cycles of birth, cycles of death, cycles of madness and sadness, and soaring highs and crashing lows, and even bleak emptiness, cold and blank like an endless tundra.

And every so often a cycle crashes into you with all of the above.

This most recent cycle put the spotlight on relationships. The inescapable actuality of life in this realm of incarnated stars… We cannot exist outside of relationship to everyone and everything else in existence. Sometimes these relationships become more solidified, more potent and tangible and real enough to touch, and these relationships shape and mold us as we shape and mold them back. And in this eternal dance, the entire drama of the human race and all duality creaks and grinds and sings and breathes and giggles as we all stumble, as long as it takes, back home…

So crash back to the moment you leave in your car for an event and come back completely transformed. Pretty sure my car’s turned into a spaceship at this point. 2 days in the woods fighting cold and rain and suddenly the cycle of the last year-and-a-half of your life has come to a screeching halt. The alarm has gone off and the clock is on the other side of the bedroom, you gotta GET UP now, OUT of your hypnogogic daze and deal with the hard hand of Life which has just slapped you across the face. This is it, the deadline has arrived and now you have to make a choice… but you already know the answer… There was already a space between the words “girl” and “friend” in your head for a while now…
And her eyes, and her smile and her laugh, and her Soul—these memories blast up in your face like smoke from a campfire making your eyes water, because you FEEL her, and you do truly love her… just, not as a lover…
And with the weight of Pluto bearing down onto your shoulders, you prepare to deliver the final but necessary blow…
The words have left your mouth and the echoes vanish into the silence of the vacuum before her response.
“Friends.”
Oh my god, friends.
Best friends. <3
To actually MEAN it this time, for the first time in my life.
The gratitude drenches me like a waterfall.
We were just best friends this entire time.
And then we sat and drank some wine, watching Netflix while I petted her dog.
And all was at peace for a moment. :)

But how did it break so clean? This is so different, so… refreshing… But should we really be so surprised? Because, truly, we built this. Day in, and day out, with our actions, we built this bridge between our galaxies, by showing up and CHOOSING to act in Love—a purer, wiser, and more stable love that is stronger and more flexible than the fleeting throes of passion. So should we really be surprised this structure still stands long after the ephemeral excitement of romance has rambled on? I think not. :)

The most unacknowledged thing about relationships, be they romantic or platonic or somewhere in-between, is that they require showing up. They require a choice to be made, every single day, to be in another person’s life—to listen, to answer that phone call or text message, to share one’s gifts and resources, to exist for them as a solidified and embodied Soul reflecting in the presence of their own embodied Soul. A relationship between two beings is a living entity, and just like a plant needs water, so too does a relationship require consistent effort to be healthy.

I’ve found myself to be someone who attracts many acquaintances, but has only ever had a handful of true friends. And when I look back at those friendships and discern what happened differently, what both of us did that turned that connection into something more and something real that left a lasting impact on my life—it always comes down to a mutual effort, a going out of one’s way to help the other. Without that, the connection remains hollow, and like a passing transit, it is erased on the wind like dandelion seeds—a fading memory. But WITH it—oh these are the moments I will cherish for milennia, the sepia-tinted slow-mo vignettes in my mind’s eye, the choruses of laughter and shining, smiling faces… Oh you beautiful creatures I am so grateful to call my friends… When can I feel my future dying smile, I am holding this golden photo album close and tight to my heart…

And what’s also apparent is that somebody has to take that first step. Somebody has to be the first to be vulnerable and offer something of themselves. And that can be terrifying, especially in romantic relationships, but even in friendships too. And very often those efforts fall short, are crushed, completely immolated, or dry out and wither and die. And the pain is real. The pain is scary, and it can make us shut down, isolate and put up walls around our hearts. And withdrawing might be necessary sometimes. Healing is necessary sometimes, and healing is ALWAYS a personal process. But for all the risks in connecting, the reward is so worth it. So be courageous. It is SO worth it to be courageous.

And we’re gonna make mistakes. Sometimes even mistakes we haven’t made in years. Sometimes even mistakes we know we’re making and we can’t seem to help ourselves. This is part of being human. This is part of being a Soul, on a journey and evolving, through lifetimes upon lifetimes of mistakes and lessons and changes. These mistakes are not permanent. It’s all part of the same lesson, the same grand lesson the entire cosmos has been learning since the beginning of everything—forgiveness. Not even the original separation, the original rebellion, the original fall—is beyond forgiveness. Forgiveness is a vibration, that exists beyond any one entity or consciousness and it has a feeling—a warmth, and a coolness and it sounds like that first laugh that escapes after a good hard cry. If you make a mistake, acknowlege it, own, and show up to say sorry. Show up to be forgiven.

These connections between us all are not always meant to be forever. The river of life flows onward and we are all on our own path. Some last almost forever, and some float on just as quickly as they came. But there are always some that are worth paddling upstream for. These are the ones to show up for. Show up, even when it’s 3AM and your friend calls you drunk and stranded and needs a ride and you don’t wanna get out of bed go out in the cold and snow. Show up, even when you’re completely exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and you might not be able to stay awake another 30 seconds, let alone another 6 hours. Show up, when you haven’t heard from your friend in a few days and you know they’ve struggled with depression in the past. Show up, when something as small as a few dollars can make all the difference in the world. Show up, when someone needs a hug, or a shoulder to cry on, or just to be listened to. Show up, even when its cold and raining cats and dogs and you don’t wanna go outside or do anything. Give the gift of showing up to others, and when you need it, others will give this gift to you too. Cherish it.

This is what it all comes down to. Making the choice. And even if it doesn’t work out, at least you have nothing to really worry about.

Because you showed up.

<3