I Love You, and So I Will Not Get Sexual

Well this is quite a shift for me.

Let’s start at the beginning.

I crave relationship. My Sun and Venus are in the Seventh House.
And with all the Mars-Pluto and Scorpio emotional energy in my chart, I crave it deeply.
Transformatively.
Completely, destructively, obsessively.
To remain never the same again.
And I will be the first to say that my pride and jealousy have encouraged me to erect roadblocks in the past.
Cut off channels of communication with beautiful souls who could not or would not meet my needs.
In ways less than diplomatic.
Or mature.
No matter how I use concepts like “processing” or “healing” to justify them to myself.

And then some many months ago I met you.
Here we go again…
And first I thought it would be business as usual in the hopeful way.
And soon after that I thought it would be business as usual in the jaded way.
I watched, wearing my military-grade poker face.
Every tripwire pulled and every protocoled clearance given for the axe to drop.
But God bless my cautious distance.
You shifted something in me.
The axe did not drop.
Who you are showed me a different perspective.
Where I didn’t have to speak in growls, or moans, or purrrrs or snarls,
But just breathe.

Fast forward and I realized something,
Something that older versions of me can’t make sense of—
I don’t WANT you.
That isn’t to say I don’t find you incredibly attractive.
It’s just actually something more than that.
I just LIKE you.
Not “like” in the middle-school-cootie-catcher kinda way.
In a human enjoyment way.
As if remembering something as familiar as one’s name, it all hit me:
I like spending time with you.
I like the way I feel when I’m around you.
I like the flow of our conversations.
I like the rhythm when we laugh together.
I just like you.
And because I like you, I love you.

And listing these realizations triggers my cautions,
(and if you were to read this, likely yours too)
Because it sounds like lines from a cheesy romantic comedy or something.
But its not that.
It’s not that at all.
Its just love.
Without adjectives.
Not focused love.
Not pointed love.
Not romantic love.
Not sexual love.
Just love.
Appreciative love.
Like sitting for some moments in the botanical gardens,
Silent and listening to the bugs and birds.

A friend.
Without connotations or additional meanings.
Friend. :)

For the first time in what feels like forever, I don’t want to do or project anything to risk this friendship.
I don’t want to let my old habits infect and poison what’s sprouted
With desires or expectations or lack of restraint over my animal urges.
There is a heartwarming value, and I want to cherish it.
Does this mean I’m growing up?

Perhaps we knew each other in a past life.
I’m sure we smoked too many cigarettes on porches at 5AM then too. :)



Don’t think too hard about it, it’s all probably fiction anyway ;)

Copyright 2016 Johnny Litwinowicz. All Rights Reserved.