I Miss The Moth You Will Be

Inside the border gates I left unlocked
In my infatuated stupor,
An honest moment
Tried to sow a sacred seed
And by electromagnetic motion
I charged a physical caring…
I wish you could have met me on the same page
But you weren’t ready
And that’s something I should have recognized…
I think I saw your soul,
A glimpse of it, at least,
Through all the layers of armor
That you thought you really were…
And maybe that’s what scared you—
Would I peel off the band-aid
So your scars could finally heal?
Or was the quiet just too deafening
When you’d lay on me and breathe…?

When I’d speak to your Potential,
It’s a sobering reminder
That You and “you” are both your choice,
Even when I see the future,
Even when it sees me back…
But You up on the mountain was,
And “you” up in the ghetto is,
And I don’t know what happened,
But our friendship eroded
To grinding teeth
And bitter,
You stopped watering the garden
And I stopped wasting my water on yours,
And wishing you could be more aware…
I’m sorry you haven’t been listened to
I tried to do my best
But I want to be listened to, too
And there’s no room for a second reflection
Inside your vanity mirror.
I hope the likes are worth it.
But I’ve seen your soul breathe deeper.

I don’t expect an apology.
Or to ever hear from you again.
I just miss the moth you will be
When you’ve emerged from this cocoon…
But outside of time
That frozen moment that
I held you like something precious
As I looked into your eyes—
That intention is an absolute
Throughout time and space.
So beyond this Earth and its bullshit
When we’re dead and spirits floating,
I forgive you
And I forgive me
And maybe we can be
Soul-friends again.

Copyright 2018.


Cycles are a constant mechanism of this realm we inhabit. We feel and live in these cycles, even if we don’t always understand the maps of time-space that help us navigate them. And there are cycles of birth, cycles of death, cycles of madness and sadness, and soaring highs and crashing lows, and even bleak emptiness, cold and blank like an endless tundra.

And every so often a cycle crashes into you with all of the above.

This most recent cycle put the spotlight on relationships. The inescapable actuality of life in this realm of incarnated stars… We cannot exist outside of relationship to everyone and everything else in existence. Sometimes these relationships become more solidified, more potent and tangible and real enough to touch, and these relationships shape and mold us as we shape and mold them back. And in this eternal dance, the entire drama of the human race and all duality creaks and grinds and sings and breathes and giggles as we all stumble, as long as it takes, back home…

So crash back to the moment you leave in your car for an event and come back completely transformed. Pretty sure my car’s turned into a spaceship at this point. 2 days in the woods fighting cold and rain and suddenly the cycle of the last year-and-a-half of your life has come to a screeching halt. The alarm has gone off and the clock is on the other side of the bedroom, you gotta GET UP now, OUT of your hypnogogic daze and deal with the hard hand of Life which has just slapped you across the face. This is it, the deadline has arrived and now you have to make a choice… but you already know the answer… There was already a space between the words “girl” and “friend” in your head for a while now…
And her eyes, and her smile and her laugh, and her Soul—these memories blast up in your face like smoke from a campfire making your eyes water, because you FEEL her, and you do truly love her… just, not as a lover…
And with the weight of Pluto bearing down onto your shoulders, you prepare to deliver the final but necessary blow…
The words have left your mouth and the echoes vanish into the silence of the vacuum before her response.
Oh my god, friends.
Best friends. <3
To actually MEAN it this time, for the first time in my life.
The gratitude drenches me like a waterfall.
We were just best friends this entire time.
And then we sat and drank some wine, watching Netflix while I petted her dog.
And all was at peace for a moment. :)

But how did it break so clean? This is so different, so… refreshing… But should we really be so surprised? Because, truly, we built this. Day in, and day out, with our actions, we built this bridge between our galaxies, by showing up and CHOOSING to act in Love—a purer, wiser, and more stable love that is stronger and more flexible than the fleeting throes of passion. So should we really be surprised this structure still stands long after the ephemeral excitement of romance has rambled on? I think not. :)

The most unacknowledged thing about relationships, be they romantic or platonic or somewhere in-between, is that they require showing up. They require a choice to be made, every single day, to be in another person’s life—to listen, to answer that phone call or text message, to share one’s gifts and resources, to exist for them as a solidified and embodied Soul reflecting in the presence of their own embodied Soul. A relationship between two beings is a living entity, and just like a plant needs water, so too does a relationship require consistent effort to be healthy.

I’ve found myself to be someone who attracts many acquaintances, but has only ever had a handful of true friends. And when I look back at those friendships and discern what happened differently, what both of us did that turned that connection into something more and something real that left a lasting impact on my life—it always comes down to a mutual effort, a going out of one’s way to help the other. Without that, the connection remains hollow, and like a passing transit, it is erased on the wind like dandelion seeds—a fading memory. But WITH it—oh these are the moments I will cherish for milennia, the sepia-tinted slow-mo vignettes in my mind’s eye, the choruses of laughter and shining, smiling faces… Oh you beautiful creatures I am so grateful to call my friends… When can I feel my future dying smile, I am holding this golden photo album close and tight to my heart…

And what’s also apparent is that somebody has to take that first step. Somebody has to be the first to be vulnerable and offer something of themselves. And that can be terrifying, especially in romantic relationships, but even in friendships too. And very often those efforts fall short, are crushed, completely immolated, or dry out and wither and die. And the pain is real. The pain is scary, and it can make us shut down, isolate and put up walls around our hearts. And withdrawing might be necessary sometimes. Healing is necessary sometimes, and healing is ALWAYS a personal process. But for all the risks in connecting, the reward is so worth it. So be courageous. It is SO worth it to be courageous.

And we’re gonna make mistakes. Sometimes even mistakes we haven’t made in years. Sometimes even mistakes we know we’re making and we can’t seem to help ourselves. This is part of being human. This is part of being a Soul, on a journey and evolving, through lifetimes upon lifetimes of mistakes and lessons and changes. These mistakes are not permanent. It’s all part of the same lesson, the same grand lesson the entire cosmos has been learning since the beginning of everything—forgiveness. Not even the original separation, the original rebellion, the original fall—is beyond forgiveness. Forgiveness is a vibration, that exists beyond any one entity or consciousness and it has a feeling—a warmth, and a coolness and it sounds like that first laugh that escapes after a good hard cry. If you make a mistake, acknowlege it, own, and show up to say sorry. Show up to be forgiven.

These connections between us all are not always meant to be forever. The river of life flows onward and we are all on our own path. Some last almost forever, and some float on just as quickly as they came. But there are always some that are worth paddling upstream for. These are the ones to show up for. Show up, even when it’s 3AM and your friend calls you drunk and stranded and needs a ride and you don’t wanna get out of bed go out in the cold and snow. Show up, even when you’re completely exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and you might not be able to stay awake another 30 seconds, let alone another 6 hours. Show up, when you haven’t heard from your friend in a few days and you know they’ve struggled with depression in the past. Show up, when something as small as a few dollars can make all the difference in the world. Show up, when someone needs a hug, or a shoulder to cry on, or just to be listened to. Show up, even when its cold and raining cats and dogs and you don’t wanna go outside or do anything. Give the gift of showing up to others, and when you need it, others will give this gift to you too. Cherish it.

This is what it all comes down to. Making the choice. And even if it doesn’t work out, at least you have nothing to really worry about.

Because you showed up.


I Love You, and So I Will Not Get Sexual

Well this is quite a shift for me.

Let’s start at the beginning.

I crave relationship. My Sun and Venus are in the Seventh House.
And with all the Mars-Pluto and Scorpio emotional energy in my chart, I crave it deeply.
Completely, destructively, obsessively.
To remain never the same again.
And I will be the first to say that my pride and jealousy have encouraged me to erect roadblocks in the past.
Cut off channels of communication with beautiful souls who could not or would not meet my needs.
In ways less than diplomatic.
Or mature.
No matter how I use concepts like “processing” or “healing” to justify them to myself.

And then some many months ago I met you.
Here we go again…
And first I thought it would be business as usual in the hopeful way.
And soon after that I thought it would be business as usual in the jaded way.
I watched, wearing my military-grade poker face.
Every tripwire pulled and every protocoled clearance given for the axe to drop.
But God bless my cautious distance.
You shifted something in me.
The axe did not drop.
Who you are showed me a different perspective.
Where I didn’t have to speak in growls, or moans, or purrrrs or snarls,
But just breathe.

Fast forward and I realized something,
Something that older versions of me can’t make sense of—
I don’t WANT you.
That isn’t to say I don’t find you incredibly attractive.
It’s just actually something more than that.
I just LIKE you.
Not “like” in the middle-school-cootie-catcher kinda way.
In a human enjoyment way.
As if remembering something as familiar as one’s name, it all hit me:
I like spending time with you.
I like the way I feel when I’m around you.
I like the flow of our conversations.
I like the rhythm when we laugh together.
I just like you.
And because I like you, I love you.

And listing these realizations triggers my cautions,
(and if you were to read this, likely yours too)
Because it sounds like lines from a cheesy romantic comedy or something.
But its not that.
It’s not that at all.
Its just love.
Without adjectives.
Not focused love.
Not pointed love.
Not romantic love.
Not sexual love.
Just love.
Appreciative love.
Like sitting for some moments in the botanical gardens,
Silent and listening to the bugs and birds.

A friend.
Without connotations or additional meanings.
Friend. :)

For the first time in what feels like forever, I don’t want to do or project anything to risk this friendship.
I don’t want to let my old habits infect and poison what’s sprouted
With desires or expectations or lack of restraint over my animal urges.
There is a heartwarming value, and I want to cherish it.
Does this mean I’m growing up?

Perhaps we knew each other in a past life.
I’m sure we smoked too many cigarettes on porches at 5AM then too. :)

Don’t think too hard about it, it’s all probably fiction anyway ;)

Copyright 2016 Johnny Litwinowicz. All Rights Reserved.


Poem - "Water (verb)"

Life only grows where the gardener waters
What an awful way to die, dried up and forgotten

Life only grows where the seed takes sprout
Surprise! You're a weed, got your roots ripped out

Love only grows where the both of us try
No water today, not a cloud in the sky

And this only works when we both get off
Thought you were satisfied, I guess not


Copyright 2016. All Rights Reserved.

Poem - "As Planned"

And I made love to her darkest of secrets
Poison of Man cast upon her shores
Womb of the Earth is the wombs of our mothers
Who casts the net to regard as whores?

And I was brave so I cut to the balance
Saw disrespect as a poisonous seed
Sickens and twists up in all its is planted
So show me the sound of the healing you need

The harm-giver victim is writhing beside you
Love like a waterfall pours by your ears
To feel a connection and let it consume you
Where are you betting the chips of your fears?

Elephants trumpeting lessons in feelings
Tears from my eyes running down to the sea
The system will balance itself out forever
I just have a thing for those swinging extremes



Copyright 2016 Saproling. All Rights Reserved.

Poem – "Covered in Clitorises"

Does anyone feel
Like an animal fenced in
Like breathing in dry ice
When passion condenses?

Does anyone feel
The weight of the world
Screaming right in your ear
As your toes start to curl?

Does anyone else
Drown in every soft breeze
When any slight touch
Drops you right to your knees?

And writhe in sensations
Of new overwhelm
In a constant crash-landing
Fucking at the helm

Cause all that I've wanted
Is something to scream with
Someone to ride into battle
And bleed with

Someone to punch out
From under the concrete
And cum to the gravity
Underneath our feet

So I want to know
There's a heart out there
Who roars like a tank
And wears vines for hair

And penetrates souls
With every eyeful
Delivering love
Down the sights of a rifle

Moves on and lets the past
Go by just torching it
Worthy to play
With a true lunar scorpion

Can anyone see
What a strange accident this is?
Balancing out
By becoming antithesis

To feel EVERYthing...
What a strange accident this is
Into the world male,
Covered in clitorises...

Copyright 2016 Saproling. All Rights Reserved.

Poem – "The Moment After"

Caution said "don't", for the moment after
When gears kick in and the hours are long
Well I've been here crying for half of an hour
It just keeps on coming like a waterfall

The words you whimpered in the moment during
When sweat beads fall and the minutes are long
Perhaps we gave witness to something holy
But chemicals end just like every song

I'm learning to live with the weight of desire
Cause when I want something, well I want it NOW
But the weight of mistakes leaves little for extra
When I must repay by the sweat of my brow

So I will write hope in the power of magic
To cancel the lesson you've already learned
If you don't believe that the distance is tragic
Here we could build up a tangible world.

And I must admit that it's harder to feel you
When I watch the way the ridge sparkles at night
Guess that I hoped it would fall off better
But let's ask that tiger 'bout changing his stripes...


Copyright 2016 Saproling. All Rights Reserved.